I'm taking Dawn's tag, and passing it on.

The meme is to write 3 things I do right as a mom.

1. I accept my kids as the neat little individuals they are, and try to remember the positive aspects of whatever quirk is making me crazy. 
   
2. I'm not neurotic about food, and so far they don't seem to be either.
3. I don't worry (much) about what other people think of my parenting choices, I just do what dh and I think is best for our kids at the moment, and let the rest of the world react in whatever way they choose. 
   

I do lots and lots of things wrong, but my kids seem to be doing ok despite me!

Tom Hodgkinson has recently begun writing a column called "The Idle Parent" in the the British newspaper, The Telegraph.

He's funny, and it's wonderful to finally have someone defending the kind of parenting that was normal when I was a kid.  Here's a blurb and a link:

Idle parenting means happy children

Last Updated: 12:01am GMT 16/02/2008

Page 1 of 3

Cancel all clubs, ditch the after-school activities and leave those kids alone, urges Tom Hodgkinson

An unhealthy dose of the work ethic is threatening to wreck childhood. Under a tyrannical work-obsessed government, years that should be devoted to play and joyful learning are being stifled by targets and tests. Leisure time is being invaded by the commercial and escapist virtual worlds of the computer.

....

There is a way out of this over-zealous parenting trap, a simple solution that will make your life easier and cheaper. It will make your kids' lives more enjoyable and also will help to produce happy, self-sufficient children, who can create their own lives without depending on a Mummy substitute. I call it idle parenting and our mantra is: "Leave them alone."

The welcome discovery that a lazy parent is a good parent took root when I read the following passage from a DH Lawrence essay, Education of the People, published in 1918: "How to begin to educate a child. First rule: leave him alone. Second rule: leave him alone. Third rule: leave him alone. That is the whole beginning."

To the busy modern parent, this idea seems counter-intuitive. Aren't we always told to do more, not less? All parents have a nagging sense that somehow we are doing it all wrong and that more work needs to be done. But the problem is that we put too much work into parenting, not too little. By interfering a lot, we are not letting children grow up and learn themselves. The child who has been overprotected will not know how to look after himself. We are too much in children's faces. We need to retreat. Let them live.

Welcome to the school of inactive parenting. It's a win-win situation: less work for you and better for the child, both in terms of enjoying everyday life and also for self-reliance and independence. I am not advocating slobbish neglect. (Maybe I went too far with my idle parenting when I dozed off on the sofa in front of the woodburning stove, while "doing the childcare", as the ugly modern phrase has it, to be woken by the screams of a toddler who had placed his hands squarely on the hot metal and burned his fingertips.) Clearly we don't let our children jump out of windows or go about with unchanged nappies. There is carefree and there is careless, and there is a difference.

and here is the "Idle Parenting Manifesto" (apparently Mr. Hodgkinson is a big fan of manifestos, having also written a "Freedom Manifesto")

Manifesto of the idle parent

We reject the idea that parenting requires hard work We pledge to leave our children alone That should mean that they leave us alone, too We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children from the moment they are born We read them poetry and fantastic stories without morals We drink alcohol without guilt We reject the inner Puritan We fill the house with music and laughter We don't waste money on family days out and holidays We lie in bed for as long as possible We try not to interfere We push them into the garden and shut the door so that we can clean the house We both work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small Time is more important than money Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness Down with school We fill the house with music and merriment

I don't meet all the "idle parenting" ideals, but I think I'll enjoy the columns!

How to remove a DVD my toddler jammed into my MacBook.

My {T} doesn't love being a little person.  He finds sippy cups insulting.  And baby gates. And his limited access to knives, the can opener and peanut butter.

He comforts himself with the little miracles we can't (or don't) manage to keep away from him.  He loves the way my Macbook "eats" a dvd and then spits it out when he pushes the eject button (that he found on his own).  He especially loves that its not a toy that does it-- if Fisher Price made "my first MacBook" that did exactly the same thing, he wouldn't touch it.

Unfortunately, the last time I left him unattended near my 'puter, apparently he didn't wait for the Macbook to grab the dvd, and it ended up jammed in there in a way the Macbook couldn't eject.  I thought I had a trip to the Apple Store in my future, but I was able to use my credit cards in a different way-- a tiny bit of the DVD was visible in the slot, and I managed to wedge a credit above and below the DVD and use them to pull the DVD out.  Success!

This was nearly as satisfying as the time I fixed my minivan's sound system by removing about $2 in change from the cassette deck (the coins shorted out various parts of the main circuit board as they slid around in there).

Dr. Randy Pausch, diagnosed with terminal cancer, delivered a last lecture on life lessons that has been viewed online over a million times.  What would be in your life lessons lecture?

I'm not entirely sure.  I guess the idea here is that I am going to have to give the lecture want to present my best effort, not that I have decided I've got it all figured out.  I've spent the last 6 years as a stay at home parent, so I'll share what I know about that.

1. Be yourself.  Yes it's a cliche, but there's a temptation to try to become your image of the perfect parent, and it's an excellent way to make yourself crazy.  So figure out what you think is important and focus on doing that in a way that is a genuine reflection of your personality, values, and needs.
2. Don't let the details take over.  There are ten thousand decisions to make in life, especially if you have kids.  Some of them have to be made, but don't matter at all.  Lots of decisions matter, but you can easily back up and make a change if you make the wrong choice.  If you find yourself unable to choose a summer camp or a haircut or a book, ask yourself "is there a wrong choice here?" and then "do I need a nap? or a hobby?"  Because:
3. When life is harder than the situation suggests it ought to be, chances are somebody has an unmet need.  With kids, they usually need a nap, or a snack, or a potty-break.  With adults it can be more complicated, but it's worth figuring out. 
   
4. Don't trust anyone who claims to have found the one right way to raise kids.  Parenting is a relationship, relationships are personal.
   
5. Don't try to control all your kids' relationships, especially with other grown-ups.  Unless you're worried about safety or abuse, back off.
   
6. Find time to enjoy your kids.  This may require finding time to be away from them.  That's ok.
7. Don't be afraid to set limits.  If your kids don't respect your limits, take a step back and see whether or not you're enforcing them in a predictable way. 
   
8. Take care of yourself.  You're important too.
9. When you screw up, do your best to fix it and move on. 
   
10. Don't be afraid to ask for help.  I don't totally buy that "it takes a village to raise a child", but for ages mothers have relied upon an extended family to help them with young children.  Lots of us aren't lucky enough to have that kind of support, so we need to look for other kinds.  Its a good thing, really!
11. If an expert (pediatrician, teacher, etc...) tells you something your gut says is wrong, don't brush off that gut feeling.  Experts know topics and general populations, you know your kid, and in the end, you're the one whose responsible.  Any expert is only offering advice; you have to be the one who makes the tough choices.
    

Well that's about enough!

We are FINALLY writing wills.  As parents, not having a will is shamefully irresponsible of us, but they aren't fun to write. 

The first step is to imagine a future where my kids are growing up without me.  Or my husband.  It makes my heart sink to think about it-- I love our family and hate to think of it ending.  But it's possible, so moving forward-- who would raise my kids?  What would their guardian(s) need?  What would my kids need?  How should they share the insurance money and whatever other inheritance?

Among the things we can decide is what the money we leave may or may not be spent on.  For example, we could include a provision that each kid be given a car when they get their license, or that the trust is not to buy them a car at all.  We could offer "incentives" for things we think are important -- bribes from the grave, if you will.  The lawyer's examples were giving kids access to part of the trust early for finishing a bachelor's degree in 4 years or giving them $200,000 for spending 2 years as missionaries.  I don't think we'll be including provisions like this.   There are good reasons to spend more than 4 years getting a bachelor's, and it's impossible for me to predict the details of my kids' teenage years.  We are lucky to have trustworthy, sensible family members-- I'll take their best judgment when the time comes over my best guess now.

I am tempted to include some smaller incentives, though

• $500 for reading my favorite book,
  
• $123 for learning to juggle,
  

• $150 for every family recipe they learn to cook competently,
  
• $150 for every family recipe they attempt without making anyone (too) sick,
  
• $1000 for reaching 18 without entering a beauty pageant,
  
• $3000 for pulling a funny, harmless, legal senior prank

 
and they get $0 for college until they:

• write a coherent essay explaining how compound interest works, and why credit cards are evil (a decent defense of revolving credit, carefully used, will be accepted) AND
  
• calculate how much their proposed student loans are going to actually cost them after graduation AND
• propose some kind of life plan with a rough idea of how much they'll make after graduation, how much will be left over after they make their student loan payment, and how they'll manage to feed, clothe and shelter themselves with that.

I haven't asked the lawyer about this, but in celebration of dh and my insane competitiveness, how about endowing the Mom and Dad Memorial Tournament of Skill and Knowledge?  It would be an annual board/video game tournament, with ridiculously complex rules, a range of cash prizes, and, of course, a trophy.

I know there are parents who celebrate Christmas in the US and don't do the Santa thing, but I never considered being one of them-- I LOVED believing in Santa as a kid, and thought it would only involve a few white lies in November and December.  I didn't know my daughter {B} that well yet.  She is way too logical to make this easy-- she pokes holes in everything.  It started with the flying reindeer.  She knew reindeer couldn't fly.  The Santa we saw for pictures helped us out with that one-- he explained that they don't really fly, they just jump very very far.  She also noticed that there were a lot of different old men around claiming to be Santa, so I explained that most of them were "Santa's helpers".  She accepted that, and I thought I was done lying about Santa until we started getting ready for Christmas '07.  Silly me.

Both my daughters are obsessed with the "Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses" line of toys-- they have the brochure from the DVD, and they pore over it, deciding which things they want, and which they don't.  One particular toy is a Barbie that will move like you do, when you wear special bracelets on your arms and an anklet on one leg (you look like you're under house arrest, but it's PINK).  The $35 price tag is a pretty intimidating sum for a 6 and 4 year old, but they want it, so they were considering asking Santa for it next Christmas.  I told them the Barbie factories would switch over to making toys for some new Barbie movie, and the 12 Dancing Princess stuff won't be available next December.  Then I crossed way way over the line from "white lie":

B: But Mommy, Santa has elves, they could make any toy.

Me: Honey, I've seen the toys Santa brings and they look like they come from the same factories as the stuff we buy at Target.  I don't think Santa's elves actually make the toys anymore.

B: But they could make SOME toys...

Me (thinking quickly on my feet-- we AREN'T going to be able to buy these toys next December):  Well, you've seen what's involved in making a plastic toy on "How it's made"-- I don't think they could go to all that trouble for just one toy.  When the elves used to make toys they made them out of wood or sewed them, like you saw in the Rudolph movie.  I bet the elves today manage ordering the toys they need and then wrap them and  pack them in Santa's sleigh.

B (taking this all very seriously-- apparently imagining a bunch of paper-pushing elves):  I bet elves today aren't as strong as they used to be.

Me (fallen way off my rocker, imagining a model for Claus Inc):  Oh I don't know about that, dealing with all the pallets of toys would be hard work.

B (figuring out a retirement plan for the redundant elves):  Maybe the Santa at the mall is an older elf who used to make toys from wood and doesn't need to anymore.  Maybe the older elves are in charge of figuring out what kind of toys kids want this year, so they know what to order from the factories.

Me:  Maybe...

At this point I had the idea that maybe Santa should have warehouses all over the globe where he restocks his sleigh on Christmas eve-- and then I remembered SANTA ISN'T REAL.  And eventually my kids will find out.

One day she won't believe a word I say...

Until then, I need to come up with some good stuff about the Easter Bunny.

A column I try to catch is Haddayr Copley-Wood's "SheSaid".  I actually knew her in high school, she was my friend's enormously impressive older sister.  Anyhow, this month she talks about categorizing mothers.  Her categories are: The Disciplinarian. The Attachment Fundie. The Alarmist. The Cool Cat. The Accessorizer. The Complainer.

She claims to be the Complainer.  I don't think I'm any of her categories.  I would probably call myself the Scientist.  Anyone who knows me, knows that there is not a topic on the planet Earth that I can't overthink.  My kids are getting the best childhood careful analysis can design.  Don't worry, they get free play-- research suggests that's important!  If anything I err on the side of under-planning their days, but I can explain why until you run from the room in tears.  I could even give you a booklist, LOL!

I'm not fickle, and I don't second guess myself a lot.  Our parenting has changed over the years, but not in any big dramatic ways.  All my research does give me a certain confidence, but I don't give out unsolicited parenting advice (at least not if I can stop myself)-- I see lots of people do things completely different from the way we do, and their kids are great. 

I am amazed and jealous of people who can parent purely by feel. 

So, what kind of mom are you?

I love this article!

Raise children with a wild streak

Many `ideal' students lack inventive, restless and self-reliant spirit

MARK PRUETT

Special to the Observer

A new report from the American Academy of Pediatrics stresses the importance of childhood playtime. It reinforces my own belief that many young adults have been cheated by years of excessive schoolwork and teamwork, too many extracurricular activities, and a straitjacketed "just say no to anything risky" upbringing. I am convinced that modern childhood generally does not build enough independence and thirst for knowledge.

For the past few years I helped interview high school seniors seeking scholarships to come to Appalachian State University. These applicants come from all over the state. They play instruments and sports, participate in church and charity, and work in diverse jobs.

They also display remarkably similar accomplishments. They are at the top of their high school classes and possess generically good manners. They lead teams, groups and clubs. They are smart, solid and hardworking.

They might be surprised to learn that I, like many college professors, yearn for rarer traits -- curiosity, passion, a wild streak. Yes, teamwork and leadership skills will help your child to implement someone else's ideas, and extensive extracurricular activities will foster responsibility. What your child really needs, though, is an inventive, self-reliant, restless spirit.

Read the rest here.